What Becomes of the Brokenhearted....

It's funny how we look back on a year's time. We reminisce about the heartache we went through, we look back on the tears we cried and the pain that we thought would never ease, much less disappear.
A year ago today, I would have been married. A year ago today, I would have said I do and spent the rest of my life with a man that I loved. A year ago today, I would have played out every little girl's dream. A year ago today...never happened...

So, what does become of the brokenhearted? I've learned that things happen for a reason. I learned that when tested, a person has more strength than they ever knew was possible. Ive learned to trust my heart more than my mind and never second guess first goodbyes. I have come to the conclusion that not all men are created equal and most definitely all men are not evil spawns of Satan.

So maybe a year ago I didn't get to live out a fairy tale. I believe that it was only because that wasn't my story to live. Maybe a year ago I didn't say I do, but for the rest of my life, I won't have to live with any regret that maybe I really didn't. I don't mind that a year has gone by without an explanation really. I'm thankful for each and every day that I spent growing up over this last 365 days. Because if nothing else, it's made me more aware of myself. It's made me a happier person, a better person.

I am everso thankful for those who have been there for me through thick and thin. I'm also thankful to the one who made me realize that it's alright to be in love again. I'm thankful for having the knowledge to know that I'm going to be alright.

Being brokenhearted for awhile is most definitely a place that everyone needs to visit. It's only through that phase of your life are you reminded why it's so wonderful to be happy. Sometimes people take for granted the simplicity of happiness.

Out with the Old...

They say that whatever you are doing at the strike of midnight, you'll spend the rest of the year doing. Last year, as the clock struck midnight, I was daydreaming, about the life that I thought I was going to have by the end of this year. I'm here to tell you, that the theory of "whatever you do at midnight on the dawn of a new year, is what you'll spend the next year doing," is without a doubt, wrong.

With each passing year, I hope and pray that I find myself. Instead, it seems that with each new day, new year, new decade even, I find myself more and more reinvented. I'm never quite the same, I'm somewhat new and improved with each moment that passes, and, I don't know that it's necessarily a bad thing either.

I feel like this year has taken me to many different places. I've been the happiest I've ever been, and I've also been to the very rock bottom of my existence. I've been to the deepest darkest pits of depression and I've had some of the GREATEST times with the best people. It's all of these times combined, this year, that have made me the unbreakable, unshakable person I feel that I have become. Every tear that has streamed down my face, ever smile that has stretched from ear to ear, every hurt, every failure, every single horrible, fascinating, random moment that I've had, I can truly say have been worth it. I've loved, I've lost, I've laughed and smiled. I've searched and found, faced demons and fought battles that seem to be never ending.

I don't regret a single thing. I don't mind that the marriage that was supposed to take place, didn't. Why? Because I know that somewhere out there, there is someone for me, and there's someone for him, and in the mean time, we'll both learn that we're much better friends than lovers. I don't mind the fact that I spent the better part of this year growing close to people, only to have them taken away from me. Why? Because, I know that I've touched their lives and most of them have touched mine in someway. I don't mind that I took a way lower paying job, in a place I would never see myself. Why? Because I know that I'm good at what I do, and it has kept me in the town that has kept me near the people I need to be around. I don't mind anything that's happened, because it all happens for a reason and even though I am always so quick to want all the answers, I know that sometimes, the greatest adventures in life, come with searching for those answers.

So, maybe what I was doing at midnight, this time last year, didn't happen for the rest of the year. That's alright, because in the end, maybe I shouldn't have been daydreaming, maybe I should have been more focused on reality instead of dreams. Perhaps, this year at midnight, I will smile, laugh and stop for a moment to realize that I have the greatest friends and family in this entire world. After all, I still hold on to old wives tales, and can only hope that 2011, brings nothing but smiles, laughs and even more growth and strength than 2010 did.

All Men Are Created Equal

I really just need an outlet right now. So, boys who read this, hang on and put on your big boys undies and don't take what I say to heart!

My first rant is due to the fact that my uterus hurts...WHY? Cause, no other time in history has a man listened to a woman, yet you listen to one when she tells you to eat an apple?! AND NOWWWWWWWWWWW...I have to cramp and bloat and all this other fun stuff..WHY? Because you choose to listen to us one time in your history! /rant

Secondly, why must you lie? Women are really strong, we can handle the truth. If you are talking to some other girl, fucking tell us..seriously. Don't let our hearts get involved and don't let us put ourselves out there just to find out months later that it was all a big hoax.

Thirdly, the lack of consideration that some of you men have..is astounding...Sometimes..I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell people that they are so thoughtless!! My feelings never seem to matter..maybe I just take things to heart more than some...maybe I should just let it roll off my shoulders and think that it isn't even worth giving a second thought to..who knows...

fourthly...i'm tired of having to rant about you men..shit..it's football season..shouldn't you be watching games and not gettin on my last damn nerve?

The Seasons Change and So Do We...

There are so many things that I associate with Autumn. Marching Band, Football, Halloween, Marching Band, Pumpkin Pie..Marching Band..hehe no seriously, it's probably my favorite season. But there are things about this season that I would LOVE to forget. Changing of the season, usually means lots of changes for me. Last year, it was the fact that Mike proposed...Two years ago, it was fall that brought about a new lease on life with Kenny leaving...Three years ago, was the season that I felt numb and out of place...four falls ago, my nephew was born and brought joy to my life in a time where I didn't have much. Five falls ago, I fell in love with quite possibly the worst thing that ever happened to me...Six falls ago, I was heading to college...Falls 7,8,9,10,11,12 ago...I was gearing up for amazing marching band seasons...I could go on and on about how each and every fall brings with it, memories that make me laugh..make me cry...make me want to throw things and make me want to run and hide...

Ah, Autumn, such a reflective time. Makes you wonder why the hell I would want to face this atrocious season. But, I look forward to the changing of the seasons more than anything. The colors are vivid, the clothes are cute,the weather is good too...I just like it..it's exciting :)Here's to change....Good change, bad change....all change...i'm ready for it

At This Point In My Life

‎((And every tear that had to fall from my eyes, everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night. Every change life has thrown me, I'm thankful, for every break in my heart. I'm grateful, for every scar. Some pages turned, some bridges burned. But there were lessons learned.))

I'm learning things as I go. I'm learning to not wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm learning to let things go a little easier. I'm learning that sometimes, you can't guard your heart from everyone and that sometimes, there are people that come from places you least expect. All the tears, all the fear...all the sadness and hurt...those things fade away, more quickly than ya may think. Sometimes you just have to take a risk and realize that good things fall apart so that better things can come together. I've found a great deal of strength in people I barely know and those I know well..well, they've been an even bigger comfort....

There is nothing to fear, except fear itself.

As humans, we are naturally fearful. Everyone, no matter how tough of an act they put on, is afraid of something. Afraid of change, commitment, failure or being alone. Some fear dying, while others fear taking chances. Some people fret over silly things like being afraid of the dark or of growing old. Me? Well, I am afraid of life in general. I'm afraid of all the aforementioned and then some. I'm probably one of the most fearful people I know, most of the time, afraid of even my own shadow.
I don't know where we, as humans, get our instinct to be afraid. Maybe from our parents, who taught us to fear strangers or to be sure we always look under the bed for monsters. Perhaps, the media is to blame. So quick to turn us against other nations, races, religions. Or maybe, just maybe, it's our own fault we are this way. I think that sometimes, I personally, take some comfort in knowing that I can chalk all my mistakes up to "being afraid."
I guess, I have to ask myself...What is there to be afraid of? Everything there is to fear, can be overcome by just letting go, throwing caution to the wind sometimes. It may not be easy, but who said life was going to be easy all the time?

Here's to less fear and more living.

"The wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but for deliverance from fear." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

That's where you'll find me.

I wish people knew, sometimes, what's going through my little brain. Every thought I have, every feeling I feel, because sometimes, I hate living inside my own head. Although, my head isn't such a bad place, when you consider that my heart is an even scarier place.

This little tug of war, seems more like a one sided hell. No matter what I feel, there's gonna be someone that gets hurt through it all. I should probably just let it all go, but in the end, that's gonna only make me hurt. I can't win for losing, guess I should be used to that.

I just know what I feel.

But is what I feel, worth the risk of losing what i've gained?