Out with the Old...

They say that whatever you are doing at the strike of midnight, you'll spend the rest of the year doing. Last year, as the clock struck midnight, I was daydreaming, about the life that I thought I was going to have by the end of this year. I'm here to tell you, that the theory of "whatever you do at midnight on the dawn of a new year, is what you'll spend the next year doing," is without a doubt, wrong.

With each passing year, I hope and pray that I find myself. Instead, it seems that with each new day, new year, new decade even, I find myself more and more reinvented. I'm never quite the same, I'm somewhat new and improved with each moment that passes, and, I don't know that it's necessarily a bad thing either.

I feel like this year has taken me to many different places. I've been the happiest I've ever been, and I've also been to the very rock bottom of my existence. I've been to the deepest darkest pits of depression and I've had some of the GREATEST times with the best people. It's all of these times combined, this year, that have made me the unbreakable, unshakable person I feel that I have become. Every tear that has streamed down my face, ever smile that has stretched from ear to ear, every hurt, every failure, every single horrible, fascinating, random moment that I've had, I can truly say have been worth it. I've loved, I've lost, I've laughed and smiled. I've searched and found, faced demons and fought battles that seem to be never ending.

I don't regret a single thing. I don't mind that the marriage that was supposed to take place, didn't. Why? Because I know that somewhere out there, there is someone for me, and there's someone for him, and in the mean time, we'll both learn that we're much better friends than lovers. I don't mind the fact that I spent the better part of this year growing close to people, only to have them taken away from me. Why? Because, I know that I've touched their lives and most of them have touched mine in someway. I don't mind that I took a way lower paying job, in a place I would never see myself. Why? Because I know that I'm good at what I do, and it has kept me in the town that has kept me near the people I need to be around. I don't mind anything that's happened, because it all happens for a reason and even though I am always so quick to want all the answers, I know that sometimes, the greatest adventures in life, come with searching for those answers.

So, maybe what I was doing at midnight, this time last year, didn't happen for the rest of the year. That's alright, because in the end, maybe I shouldn't have been daydreaming, maybe I should have been more focused on reality instead of dreams. Perhaps, this year at midnight, I will smile, laugh and stop for a moment to realize that I have the greatest friends and family in this entire world. After all, I still hold on to old wives tales, and can only hope that 2011, brings nothing but smiles, laughs and even more growth and strength than 2010 did.

All Men Are Created Equal

I really just need an outlet right now. So, boys who read this, hang on and put on your big boys undies and don't take what I say to heart!

My first rant is due to the fact that my uterus hurts...WHY? Cause, no other time in history has a man listened to a woman, yet you listen to one when she tells you to eat an apple?! AND NOWWWWWWWWWWW...I have to cramp and bloat and all this other fun stuff..WHY? Because you choose to listen to us one time in your history! /rant

Secondly, why must you lie? Women are really strong, we can handle the truth. If you are talking to some other girl, fucking tell us..seriously. Don't let our hearts get involved and don't let us put ourselves out there just to find out months later that it was all a big hoax.

Thirdly, the lack of consideration that some of you men have..is astounding...Sometimes..I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell people that they are so thoughtless!! My feelings never seem to matter..maybe I just take things to heart more than some...maybe I should just let it roll off my shoulders and think that it isn't even worth giving a second thought to..who knows...

fourthly...i'm tired of having to rant about you men..shit..it's football season..shouldn't you be watching games and not gettin on my last damn nerve?

The Seasons Change and So Do We...

There are so many things that I associate with Autumn. Marching Band, Football, Halloween, Marching Band, Pumpkin Pie..Marching Band..hehe no seriously, it's probably my favorite season. But there are things about this season that I would LOVE to forget. Changing of the season, usually means lots of changes for me. Last year, it was the fact that Mike proposed...Two years ago, it was fall that brought about a new lease on life with Kenny leaving...Three years ago, was the season that I felt numb and out of place...four falls ago, my nephew was born and brought joy to my life in a time where I didn't have much. Five falls ago, I fell in love with quite possibly the worst thing that ever happened to me...Six falls ago, I was heading to college...Falls 7,8,9,10,11,12 ago...I was gearing up for amazing marching band seasons...I could go on and on about how each and every fall brings with it, memories that make me laugh..make me cry...make me want to throw things and make me want to run and hide...

Ah, Autumn, such a reflective time. Makes you wonder why the hell I would want to face this atrocious season. But, I look forward to the changing of the seasons more than anything. The colors are vivid, the clothes are cute,the weather is good too...I just like it..it's exciting :)Here's to change....Good change, bad change....all change...i'm ready for it

At This Point In My Life

‎((And every tear that had to fall from my eyes, everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night. Every change life has thrown me, I'm thankful, for every break in my heart. I'm grateful, for every scar. Some pages turned, some bridges burned. But there were lessons learned.))

I'm learning things as I go. I'm learning to not wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm learning to let things go a little easier. I'm learning that sometimes, you can't guard your heart from everyone and that sometimes, there are people that come from places you least expect. All the tears, all the fear...all the sadness and hurt...those things fade away, more quickly than ya may think. Sometimes you just have to take a risk and realize that good things fall apart so that better things can come together. I've found a great deal of strength in people I barely know and those I know well..well, they've been an even bigger comfort....

There is nothing to fear, except fear itself.

As humans, we are naturally fearful. Everyone, no matter how tough of an act they put on, is afraid of something. Afraid of change, commitment, failure or being alone. Some fear dying, while others fear taking chances. Some people fret over silly things like being afraid of the dark or of growing old. Me? Well, I am afraid of life in general. I'm afraid of all the aforementioned and then some. I'm probably one of the most fearful people I know, most of the time, afraid of even my own shadow.
I don't know where we, as humans, get our instinct to be afraid. Maybe from our parents, who taught us to fear strangers or to be sure we always look under the bed for monsters. Perhaps, the media is to blame. So quick to turn us against other nations, races, religions. Or maybe, just maybe, it's our own fault we are this way. I think that sometimes, I personally, take some comfort in knowing that I can chalk all my mistakes up to "being afraid."
I guess, I have to ask myself...What is there to be afraid of? Everything there is to fear, can be overcome by just letting go, throwing caution to the wind sometimes. It may not be easy, but who said life was going to be easy all the time?

Here's to less fear and more living.

"The wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but for deliverance from fear." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

That's where you'll find me.

I wish people knew, sometimes, what's going through my little brain. Every thought I have, every feeling I feel, because sometimes, I hate living inside my own head. Although, my head isn't such a bad place, when you consider that my heart is an even scarier place.

This little tug of war, seems more like a one sided hell. No matter what I feel, there's gonna be someone that gets hurt through it all. I should probably just let it all go, but in the end, that's gonna only make me hurt. I can't win for losing, guess I should be used to that.

I just know what I feel.

But is what I feel, worth the risk of losing what i've gained?

Nobody Knows it but Me

"The pain is real, even if nobody knows"

I know that people want what's best for me. So, sometimes, when I say things, like what I really want, they think I'm insane.

I'm not insane. I can sit and think of some of the happiest times in my life and they all lead me back to one person or times that involve this person. I thought I was stronger than this. Stronger than all the what ifs and coulda beens. I thought that I was stronger than sitting and constantly thinking about the way things were. But, I'm not. I'm not a strong person. I'm weak, and I don't know that it's a bad thing.

We're making progress. We talk now. That's a good thing. I miss him more and more each day, but us being able to have conversations, is a very positive thing. Even if, everyone says that I probably shouldn't open that can of worms. The damn wormbox opened and spilled out all on it's own. I didn't make it happen, I swear I didn't.

I guess I don't really have much to say tonight. I'm not even sure who reads this anymore. I don't guess I really care who reads it.

...

Just when ya think, life can't get any stranger, it does. Today, has seemed like one of the strangest days, EVER!

Oh..I need a break from this craziness.

Crash&Burn

It's about that time. It's about the time that I look around and think about all the things that I've fucked up in my life. It's about that time, the time where I want nothing more than to force myself away from everyone and everything, just because I don't want to disappoint.

One month ago, tomorrow, my life came to an oddly calming halt. It was the kind of calm you feel before the whirlwind of a tornado hits. The calm where you can see things so clearly for miles, but soon enough, you realize the devastation and heartache that follow. I know the calming came from knowing that both of us were going to be alright, that we couldn't hurt each other anymore. I wasn't hurt, I wasn't sad, I wasn't anything that I should have been. That's what I like to call a classic case of denial.

Now, there's no denying. I have had tremendous support in helping pick up all the pieces. But, there are some pieces that I don't know can be glued back together. Parts of me won't be the same, but parts of me that I have found, have been put back together, new and improved and couldn't be better. I'm the greatest pretender. I can make people think I'm fine. Really, I'm coming undone, one restless strand at a time.

I know they say "time heals all wounds", but I can tell you that it's been almost a month, and things have only gotten worse. Because now, I actually feel pain. I don't know if it's because of the fact that everything that could go wrong in the last 30 days, HAS gone wrong...or if it's just the simple fact that I didn't let it get to me until now. I don't know. I do know, that I need a getaway. Just me and a couple other people that I trust, who don't make me think of things so much.

OH! on a sidenote...I know that the people I mention, may not read this...but to bobbie and tammy..thanks for being there for all of this. You two will never know how much you just being there..has helped me...Dustin Robertson...you have become one of my greatest outlets throughout this all..you're my single buddy...even if you do hate it. you've been a great friend even before all of this. to my family..i know that you guys are all going through a rough time too...but thanks for being understanding in the fact that I don't want to move back there..to beth bond..I know that you feel a lot of guilt in everything that has happened...but you are also a great friend..and everything that has gone on..has made us even closer..we've gone through a whole lot of ups and downs that have made us both better friends and better people, period..I LOVE ALL OF YOU ALL!!! BUNCHES AND BUNCHES AND BUNCHES!!

ok..i'm done rambling...rambling just kind of helps me...I guess it's better than cryin...

<3

Random Mood

I got Sunshiiiiiiine

Life is getting a little less hectic each day. I like Summer, all the sunshine and pretty colors, make everything seem so much happier. Occasionally, there are those dreary days, but they are few. It seems so much easier to handle those days, when you know that the sun is lurking close behind the clouds.

Broken

The sorry, the grief,
the shed of a tear.
the painful beginnings,
the past full of fears.

A childhood of horror,
a lifetime of dreams,
A day filled with anguish,
full of lies and schemes.

A home for tomorrow,
a bed for tonight,
an undetermined future,
A heart full of fright.

The trembles of children,
who are lost and confused.
The sobs from the wives,
who are hit and abused.

A hopeful tomorrow,
full of promises and dreams,
is what one can hope for,
no matter the means.


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"While you SCREAM at your woman, there's a man wishing he could talk softly in her ear... While you HUMILIATE, OFFEND,and INSULT her, there's a man flirting with her and reminding her how wonderful she is. While you HURT your woman, there's a man wishing he
could make love to her. While you make your woman CRY, there's a man stealing her smiles..."

************************************************************************************

Forever Faded

I had to write this for an English class I had. It had to be so long and have a bunch of different things in it..So..that's why it's random. Took me almost a week to write it and get it perfect.

Some may say, I'm a little girl.
Living life in one big whirl.
Dreaming dreams of daring days.
Walking fast, in curious ways.

I pass my time out in the rain.
Maybe one day, I'll go insane.
Painting perfect pictures pink.
My mind's so cloudy, it's hard to think.

Days go by, oh so slow.
Where I'll end up, it's hard to know.
I walk so swift with two left feet.
I stumble, I trip, isn't that neat?

Every day is great and grand.
Sinking quick in sinking sand.
Like a bird, without wings I fly.
Lions, tigers and bears: OH MY!

To all my friends, I am a stranger.
I wish I could laugh in the face of danger.
I cry out blood, I bleed out tears.
I struggle with pain, spiders and fear.

I hate the smell of emergency rooms.
I've seen the wicked witch fly on her broom.
I love to hear stories never told,
of pirates and wars and pots of gold.

I lie in bed, I hear moans and squeaks.
For once in my life, I cannot speak.
On dasher, on dancer, on prancer and vixen.
I may be strange, but I like Richard Nixon.

Screaming children, in the park.
Secret rendezvous after dark.
Walking a mile, in fairy tale shoes.
It's hard to know which path to choose.

I still believe in Santa Claus.
Joey to the world and deck the halls.
One day reality may set me free.
Until that day comes, let me be.

Fresh baked cookies in the house.
Should save the crumbs, to feed the mous.
Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear.
You're not always dumb, because you have blonde hair!

Summer nights and stormy days.
Shades of pink and hues of gray.
Do great minds always think alike?
Who really wants to be just like Mike?

We sing about shoes and obscure things,
Vanilla Ice and summer flings.
I bite my nails, to little subs.
I'm naturally high, why do drugs?

Standing by a raging fire,
filled with dreams and desire.
I turn around, what's that smell?
I've stepped in the fire, I've fallen to hell.

red, brown, yellow, black and white,
if we're so loved, then why the fight?
Waiting sucks, I choose express.
I wonder if I'll pass life's test.

Jumping around like little kids.
not knowing, not caring, what we did.
Life is just a challenging game.
If you lose, you die. If you win, it's gain.

Nothing

Do you really hear me
through the muttered sounds?
Can you barely feel me,
as my hand reaches out?

My cries, do they echo, while you're walking away?
Are the pleas still ringing
as I beg you to stay?

The words, can they pierce
through the hate you sustained?
Can you still see me standing
where you left me, in shame?

I ask all these questions.
But, you tell only lies.
There's no turning back now.
Every feeling has died.

Gone Too Quick

I lay here thinking
of the dawning day.
How I want it to come,
but I don't want to stay.

I get so down,
in my daily life.
I struggle with emotions,
I live in strife.

My body, it trembles.
My hands, they shake.
My eyes begin to roll,
My mind draws a blank.

I'm tortured by fears,
of what is yet to come.
I'm an angel to most,
and a threat to some.

I feel a tingle,
my senses all twitch.
Then all of a sudden,
my life's gone too quick.

It's that very instant,
that I'm no longer there.
I want my life back!
But, this pain, I can't bear.

A Thing Called Life

I'm always unhappy,
yet never a frown.
I smile so fakely,
yet you believe me somehow.

I walk in a daze,
completely confused.
I feel like a drug,
so addictive and abused.

You may think you're helping,
but really it hurts.
To see things change so quickly,
my dose comes in spurts.

I feel all the pain,
that you will never feel.
I hear all the noises,
it's all so surreal

So silent, I stand,
with a lonely stain from a tear.
It's not dying I'm scared of,
but this thing called life: I Fear.