Nobody Knows it but Me

"The pain is real, even if nobody knows"

I know that people want what's best for me. So, sometimes, when I say things, like what I really want, they think I'm insane.

I'm not insane. I can sit and think of some of the happiest times in my life and they all lead me back to one person or times that involve this person. I thought I was stronger than this. Stronger than all the what ifs and coulda beens. I thought that I was stronger than sitting and constantly thinking about the way things were. But, I'm not. I'm not a strong person. I'm weak, and I don't know that it's a bad thing.

We're making progress. We talk now. That's a good thing. I miss him more and more each day, but us being able to have conversations, is a very positive thing. Even if, everyone says that I probably shouldn't open that can of worms. The damn wormbox opened and spilled out all on it's own. I didn't make it happen, I swear I didn't.

I guess I don't really have much to say tonight. I'm not even sure who reads this anymore. I don't guess I really care who reads it.

...

Just when ya think, life can't get any stranger, it does. Today, has seemed like one of the strangest days, EVER!

Oh..I need a break from this craziness.

Crash&Burn

It's about that time. It's about the time that I look around and think about all the things that I've fucked up in my life. It's about that time, the time where I want nothing more than to force myself away from everyone and everything, just because I don't want to disappoint.

One month ago, tomorrow, my life came to an oddly calming halt. It was the kind of calm you feel before the whirlwind of a tornado hits. The calm where you can see things so clearly for miles, but soon enough, you realize the devastation and heartache that follow. I know the calming came from knowing that both of us were going to be alright, that we couldn't hurt each other anymore. I wasn't hurt, I wasn't sad, I wasn't anything that I should have been. That's what I like to call a classic case of denial.

Now, there's no denying. I have had tremendous support in helping pick up all the pieces. But, there are some pieces that I don't know can be glued back together. Parts of me won't be the same, but parts of me that I have found, have been put back together, new and improved and couldn't be better. I'm the greatest pretender. I can make people think I'm fine. Really, I'm coming undone, one restless strand at a time.

I know they say "time heals all wounds", but I can tell you that it's been almost a month, and things have only gotten worse. Because now, I actually feel pain. I don't know if it's because of the fact that everything that could go wrong in the last 30 days, HAS gone wrong...or if it's just the simple fact that I didn't let it get to me until now. I don't know. I do know, that I need a getaway. Just me and a couple other people that I trust, who don't make me think of things so much.

OH! on a sidenote...I know that the people I mention, may not read this...but to bobbie and tammy..thanks for being there for all of this. You two will never know how much you just being there..has helped me...Dustin Robertson...you have become one of my greatest outlets throughout this all..you're my single buddy...even if you do hate it. you've been a great friend even before all of this. to my family..i know that you guys are all going through a rough time too...but thanks for being understanding in the fact that I don't want to move back there..to beth bond..I know that you feel a lot of guilt in everything that has happened...but you are also a great friend..and everything that has gone on..has made us even closer..we've gone through a whole lot of ups and downs that have made us both better friends and better people, period..I LOVE ALL OF YOU ALL!!! BUNCHES AND BUNCHES AND BUNCHES!!

ok..i'm done rambling...rambling just kind of helps me...I guess it's better than cryin...

<3

Random Mood

I got Sunshiiiiiiine

Life is getting a little less hectic each day. I like Summer, all the sunshine and pretty colors, make everything seem so much happier. Occasionally, there are those dreary days, but they are few. It seems so much easier to handle those days, when you know that the sun is lurking close behind the clouds.

Broken

The sorry, the grief,
the shed of a tear.
the painful beginnings,
the past full of fears.

A childhood of horror,
a lifetime of dreams,
A day filled with anguish,
full of lies and schemes.

A home for tomorrow,
a bed for tonight,
an undetermined future,
A heart full of fright.

The trembles of children,
who are lost and confused.
The sobs from the wives,
who are hit and abused.

A hopeful tomorrow,
full of promises and dreams,
is what one can hope for,
no matter the means.


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"While you SCREAM at your woman, there's a man wishing he could talk softly in her ear... While you HUMILIATE, OFFEND,and INSULT her, there's a man flirting with her and reminding her how wonderful she is. While you HURT your woman, there's a man wishing he
could make love to her. While you make your woman CRY, there's a man stealing her smiles..."

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Forever Faded

I had to write this for an English class I had. It had to be so long and have a bunch of different things in it..So..that's why it's random. Took me almost a week to write it and get it perfect.

Some may say, I'm a little girl.
Living life in one big whirl.
Dreaming dreams of daring days.
Walking fast, in curious ways.

I pass my time out in the rain.
Maybe one day, I'll go insane.
Painting perfect pictures pink.
My mind's so cloudy, it's hard to think.

Days go by, oh so slow.
Where I'll end up, it's hard to know.
I walk so swift with two left feet.
I stumble, I trip, isn't that neat?

Every day is great and grand.
Sinking quick in sinking sand.
Like a bird, without wings I fly.
Lions, tigers and bears: OH MY!

To all my friends, I am a stranger.
I wish I could laugh in the face of danger.
I cry out blood, I bleed out tears.
I struggle with pain, spiders and fear.

I hate the smell of emergency rooms.
I've seen the wicked witch fly on her broom.
I love to hear stories never told,
of pirates and wars and pots of gold.

I lie in bed, I hear moans and squeaks.
For once in my life, I cannot speak.
On dasher, on dancer, on prancer and vixen.
I may be strange, but I like Richard Nixon.

Screaming children, in the park.
Secret rendezvous after dark.
Walking a mile, in fairy tale shoes.
It's hard to know which path to choose.

I still believe in Santa Claus.
Joey to the world and deck the halls.
One day reality may set me free.
Until that day comes, let me be.

Fresh baked cookies in the house.
Should save the crumbs, to feed the mous.
Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear.
You're not always dumb, because you have blonde hair!

Summer nights and stormy days.
Shades of pink and hues of gray.
Do great minds always think alike?
Who really wants to be just like Mike?

We sing about shoes and obscure things,
Vanilla Ice and summer flings.
I bite my nails, to little subs.
I'm naturally high, why do drugs?

Standing by a raging fire,
filled with dreams and desire.
I turn around, what's that smell?
I've stepped in the fire, I've fallen to hell.

red, brown, yellow, black and white,
if we're so loved, then why the fight?
Waiting sucks, I choose express.
I wonder if I'll pass life's test.

Jumping around like little kids.
not knowing, not caring, what we did.
Life is just a challenging game.
If you lose, you die. If you win, it's gain.

Nothing

Do you really hear me
through the muttered sounds?
Can you barely feel me,
as my hand reaches out?

My cries, do they echo, while you're walking away?
Are the pleas still ringing
as I beg you to stay?

The words, can they pierce
through the hate you sustained?
Can you still see me standing
where you left me, in shame?

I ask all these questions.
But, you tell only lies.
There's no turning back now.
Every feeling has died.

Gone Too Quick

I lay here thinking
of the dawning day.
How I want it to come,
but I don't want to stay.

I get so down,
in my daily life.
I struggle with emotions,
I live in strife.

My body, it trembles.
My hands, they shake.
My eyes begin to roll,
My mind draws a blank.

I'm tortured by fears,
of what is yet to come.
I'm an angel to most,
and a threat to some.

I feel a tingle,
my senses all twitch.
Then all of a sudden,
my life's gone too quick.

It's that very instant,
that I'm no longer there.
I want my life back!
But, this pain, I can't bear.

A Thing Called Life

I'm always unhappy,
yet never a frown.
I smile so fakely,
yet you believe me somehow.

I walk in a daze,
completely confused.
I feel like a drug,
so addictive and abused.

You may think you're helping,
but really it hurts.
To see things change so quickly,
my dose comes in spurts.

I feel all the pain,
that you will never feel.
I hear all the noises,
it's all so surreal

So silent, I stand,
with a lonely stain from a tear.
It's not dying I'm scared of,
but this thing called life: I Fear.