Crash&Burn

It's about that time. It's about the time that I look around and think about all the things that I've fucked up in my life. It's about that time, the time where I want nothing more than to force myself away from everyone and everything, just because I don't want to disappoint.

One month ago, tomorrow, my life came to an oddly calming halt. It was the kind of calm you feel before the whirlwind of a tornado hits. The calm where you can see things so clearly for miles, but soon enough, you realize the devastation and heartache that follow. I know the calming came from knowing that both of us were going to be alright, that we couldn't hurt each other anymore. I wasn't hurt, I wasn't sad, I wasn't anything that I should have been. That's what I like to call a classic case of denial.

Now, there's no denying. I have had tremendous support in helping pick up all the pieces. But, there are some pieces that I don't know can be glued back together. Parts of me won't be the same, but parts of me that I have found, have been put back together, new and improved and couldn't be better. I'm the greatest pretender. I can make people think I'm fine. Really, I'm coming undone, one restless strand at a time.

I know they say "time heals all wounds", but I can tell you that it's been almost a month, and things have only gotten worse. Because now, I actually feel pain. I don't know if it's because of the fact that everything that could go wrong in the last 30 days, HAS gone wrong...or if it's just the simple fact that I didn't let it get to me until now. I don't know. I do know, that I need a getaway. Just me and a couple other people that I trust, who don't make me think of things so much.

OH! on a sidenote...I know that the people I mention, may not read this...but to bobbie and tammy..thanks for being there for all of this. You two will never know how much you just being there..has helped me...Dustin Robertson...you have become one of my greatest outlets throughout this all..you're my single buddy...even if you do hate it. you've been a great friend even before all of this. to my family..i know that you guys are all going through a rough time too...but thanks for being understanding in the fact that I don't want to move back there..to beth bond..I know that you feel a lot of guilt in everything that has happened...but you are also a great friend..and everything that has gone on..has made us even closer..we've gone through a whole lot of ups and downs that have made us both better friends and better people, period..I LOVE ALL OF YOU ALL!!! BUNCHES AND BUNCHES AND BUNCHES!!

ok..i'm done rambling...rambling just kind of helps me...I guess it's better than cryin...

<3